Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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