If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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