I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
