I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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