Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
