Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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