I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize