I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
