Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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