I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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