My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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