I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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