dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
