If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
