He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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