I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
