If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
