I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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