A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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