His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
