It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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