I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
