This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
