I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize