I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
its liver damage thursday
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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