I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
