is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
