everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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