Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
