It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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