she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize