I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
