tonight lets celebrate not being married
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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