I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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