I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
