I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
