mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
