I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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