my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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