There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
