i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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