I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
