Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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