Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
