drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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