I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
