Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
