I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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