I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
