she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He shit in the fireplace
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
