Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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