There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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