i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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