yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
