weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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