He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
