So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize