I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
