I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
