I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
