I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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