Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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